I used to think I wasn't affected by my childhood all that much. I never told my kids the kind of consequences I faced for minor indiscretions, and certainly not for the bigger ones. I never talked about the good things, and there were many, either. I had it filed away and it was over.
But the last few years here, I've noticed a change in me. I have dropped my security "bubble" and opened so many of those packed away memories. And as I do, I've realized why I do the things I do.
My odd form of an eating disorder correlates to my childhood. That one I saw coming. My total fear of interrupting someone's life in some way- yup, that too. Why I won't walk between two car fronts in a parking lot. My not caring if the kids' rooms are a mess (To a certain point) even that is related to my childhood. And I totally didn't get that until a year or so when that memory came flooding back. And as I open up and tell the kids stories, or whatever it all just keeps making more sense.
Right now, I'm finding myself building a brick wall around me. I know why. I even know where in my past I started doing it and what it means. I just can't figure out how to break it down without requiring a change in someone else. Which I can't do. You just can't demand someone to change. I keep hoping that they will see the pain they are causing and will respect me enough, or love me enough, to stop. To make that change in their behavior.
This brick wall isn't because I'm holding a grudge, or angry about some perceived wrong and won't forgive. Honestly, I can feel the pattern repeating itself and the wall is going up as a protection. It's holding me back though. Keeping my interactions limited, trying to delay the inevitable. I know what's coming. I know the train wreck that is about to implode. And I have no control over it. It's not my train wreck, but it is going to hurt me. I also know that the protection that is building is actually going to make it happen that much quicker.
I don't know how to change me enough to drop the protection that both my mind and heart have dictated. I can't figure out how to pass this one onto Heavenly Father. He won't, can't change someone's choices. We still suffer the consequences of our choices and of those around us.